SpiritBeautifulRevolution

 

I believe that every spirit is beautiful, and to attain the full potential of our inherently beautiful nature, we must start an inner revolution, and challenge the ideas and imprinting that have shaped how we sometimes feel about ourselves (read:  dissatisfied, frustrated, lonely etc)

 

This is actually something that has been on my mind for a long time, and this personal and spiritual growth process has been in the works for quite a while. I remember that as a young girl growing up as an outsider in a rural town I felt like I didn’t belong and I couldn’t really be myself. I had low self-esteem, was very sensitive and often picked on by other kids, so I kept a lot to myself and tried to get by, to fly under the radar so to speak. However, I FELT there was something more, so many days I would just daydream away, hoping that I would discover the answer sooner or later, or that I would miraculously just fit in and live my life in peace.

 

Well, that never happened in my small town, and to this day the main reason I believe that I didn’t lose my sanity was that I felt very connected to nature. I felt there was something bigger than me, and I just had to be still to find it.  I spent hours in the woods listening to the animals and the wind in the tress, and when I returned home I felt more peaceful and right with the world.  Even though I came from a very loving family, there were only a couple of family members who truly saw who I was and loved me for it, and I used to look forward to spending my all-too-infrequent holidays with them. So you see, in some ways I was very much alone, and definitely lonely.

 

As I got older I didn’t understand why my true nature seemed to conflict with what everyone (family and the school system) wanted for me.  My artistic nature was shackled and subdued by well-meaning family who wanted me to be successful, but successful in the way they believed was correct. This, ironically, was not how I saw my life unfolding, but I was also conditioned to do what I was told.  My inner rebel had been silenced – she who would have otherwise put up a huge fight.  Not only did this happen with me, but I noticed it happening all around me with my peers and it seemed to be normal, albeit unfair.

 

I believe that in spite of the well meaning intentions of parents who really did love us, most of us were morphed into a version of our parents dreams for us.  How difficult would it be to tell a father who wanted to learn to horseback ride as a child that his daughter really doesn’t care about, or even like, horses all that much?  Not to mention that she certainly didn’t appreciate that fact that the poor man spent all his free time in the barn caring for the horse he bought his offspring, or the fact that he spent thousands of dollars for this labour of love. 

 

What about the mother who enters her daughter into pageants that the poor child hates, then berates her for doing poorly?  In addition to taking her child away from her beloved art classes (or chemistry experiments etc), she unconsciously transfers all of her baggage about success, body image and weight issues to her child.  Where did these issues begin for Mom?  Possibly from having been called “chubby” several times by her nasty Auntie Bertha at a particularly vulnerable time in her life (read: birth to present). And where the heck did Auntie Bertha learn to be so nasty/passive-aggressive/miserable?  Who knows? But now 2 people, not one, suffer from self-esteem issues, and it really didn’t matter with whom or with what it started, it doesn’t have to be this way. 

 

If you are one of these people or someone similar, it can end here and now, with you.

 

I think that we are a product of the generations of love and dysfunction that have come before us, and it is up to us, and only us, to change the pattern, to break the mold.  In healing ourselves we can help younger generations respect their spirits and their true natures, and in turn teach them to take responsibility for the lives they want to lead.

 

If your inner rebel is back, and he or she’s a little angry, it may be time to start your own spiritual wellness revolution, albeit in a very quiet and (once again) “under the radar way”.  I believe that I am a product of all experiences in my life up to this point, good and bad.  I don’t hold a grudges against those who have loved me imperfectly, because they did the best they could. However, I have many questions and issues that I need to address, and to make progress in my own spiritual and personal healing, I need to focus on things such as:

 

Anger – this is a big one. Frustration at the people that I love the most, I have to be careful because I don’t want to hurt them, but I am somehow denying my own expression, a catch-22 if you will. I believe the anger comes from the bigger …

 

Grief – at having been denied the right as a youngster to be who I really was, and to be loved and accepted unconditionally.  Grief at knowing I can and should be more, but sometimes being too tired and afraid to step up to the plate and take a chance because of …

 

Self-doubt – I need to overcome the obnoxious inner voice that tells me things are impossible and my dreams are foolish. At an intellectual level I know that dreams are possible, even though they may not have been yet achieved. After all, the Wright brothers had to have the dream of flying before it could become a reality.  I want to hear the whisper of the wounded spirit who is telling me that I can heal and become my best possible version. She needs a voice, and I’m going to give it to her

 

I have also made myself a few promises, the biggest one of which is that from now on I am going to surround myself with the people who support who I really am, even if they think to themselves that I am nuts. That means that I am no longer going to tolerate negative comments from people who fail to respect me as a person, and who really don’t know me at all. You know what I mean, just laughing off a rude comment, which the person later claims is a “Joke” and that I “shouldn’t be so sensitive” (that’s a whole other article).  How about the people who pass judgement without really knowing my motivation for leading my life a certain way, or reacting to situations in a certain way?  Even better, people who made ridiculous assumptions about me without ever really knowing from where I’m coming?

 

Neither am I going to be manipulated or guilted into being passive so that I don’t ruffle feathers at family functions or work (ahem…) when either I or someone else is treated unfairly.

 

I am not going to take unnecessary and hurtful “constructive criticism” from friends or acquaintances who are reflecting their hurts and poor self-esteem onto me.

 

No point in being nasty to anyone, that’s just going to set me up for some bad karma, and is really a waste of time and energy. Instead, I am going to take responsibility for ME, and begin to live my best life possible, and I am going to try some tools that I have found to help me do it.

 

I have spent years furtively skulking in the self-help section of bookstores, hoping that some cute guy doesn’t see my stack of books.(ie How to NOT Feel Like a Loser Even Though Everyone in Your Family Thinks You’re Weird). In my search for spiritual enlightenment and growth, I am going to be honest about the ongoing process, the Good, Bad and the Ugly.

 

Fasten your seatbelts, put on your helmets, and “LET THE HEALING BEGIN”

 

Wish me luck, and keep checking in for updates!

 

SBR

 

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist, and the opinions expressed in this blog are just that and aren’t meant to be a substitute for professional counseling. If you feel that life is getting overwhelming, please reach out and speak to a mental health professional. 

This entry was posted on Monday, May 19th, 2008 at 12:21 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.